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SAYiT Volunteer Stories pt. 1 – Vicky

We will be sharing some stories from our volunteers about their life experiences as LGBT+ people. First up, is Vicky’s Story:

”So where do I begin Pfff!! So at the age of 11 years old which was way back in 1988 I remember looking through my mum’s Kay’s catalogue at the usual “boys stuff” BMX bikes games consoles etc. But on flicking through the from the back where the bikes, games consoles and other electronic items were, to the front pages where the the women’s clothes and accessories were.

On getting to the front pages, I flicked past the women’s underwear section as seemed boring to me as an 11 year old, but once I got to the women’s footwear and clothing section something just kind of clicked in my head. There was a fascination, which turned to envy of of both the models and the clothing they got to wear, but this was met with a feeling of guilt, as “boys” don’t do this or have these feelings do they ?

Time and time again I found myself going back to these same pages until my mum moved the catalogue, must of thought I was perving which I wasn’t honest 😁.

After this, I just put these thoughts to the back of my head and just had what was thought of as a typical boys childhood in the 80’s – 90’s which was a lot more binary in attitude with all the stereotypes of how a boys and girls should be.

It’s now a few years down the line and think I’m about 18 years old, when once again something triggered these feelings again. I was at my friends house two doors up, where he had a collection of men’s magazines called FHM (for him magazine) and there was an article in there about a woman saying how she liked her man to make love to her dressed as a woman and an editorial picture of a black man wearing women’s lingerie and heels as representation of the this article.

Everytime I went round to this particular friends house at the time, I remembered which magazine had this article in it and kept reading it before been able to force myself not to! When went round, or maybe I just got too frustrated by this article.

So now two years past and I’m 20 years old and it’s 1997 which still does not have an understanding of trans people, and I myself only had a vague realisation that people like me exist. I found myself living in a bedsit, or what’s now known as a studio flat, but not very posh and very small. Once again while looking through the exchange and mart magazine which was for businesses and euntrepaneurs which I’ve always had that side to me, even to now, as never been very academic. I got to the back pages which advertised local shops in the region, and saw an advert for a business that sold high heels in plus sizes and did make trans make overs, which once again activated a file in my head back to been 11 years old.

It’s 1998 I’m 21 and I decide to enrol on a course at Norton college to do performance arts specialising in dancing with a drama element to it, where I got the opportunity to audition for the musical South Pacific. I went for the audition which my tutor Penny Hargreaves 🙂 sent me for as an extra to be a marine lol! And I got it!

While doing this musical, one of the other extras had a visit from a female friend. After she left, this extra said yes! That is guy before you say anything to me and another extra. The other extra was livid because he fancied her before he realised/was told of their identity, where I was in awe and jealous that they could look so good as you just wouldn’t know at all unless we’re told.

After this time I once again surpressed this feelings for over a decade settled down with a woman I loved who I later married bought a house and had children. But during all this time! I had my triggers that kept activating the files in my head 😪😒 Every time I saw a woman who I admired or like what she was wearing I subconsciously thought why couldn’t that be me, and used to subconsciously wish I’d been born a girl but felt conflicted with these emotions, as a man should not be feeling this way right! And growing up in those times in my family, I still did not know about trans.

It’s late 2010 heading towards 2011 I’m married got a couple of kids when I see an advert online to work in Marmaris Turkey as a drag artist which I show my wife as it’s the school summer holidays and she is totally shocked! Her first thoughts is that I’m gay! I assure her that I’m not as while I was living in my former guise only fancied women.

Roll on 2014 Me and my wife sadly split and decide to file for divorce and after a few years of been “part time crossdresser” I’m starting to feel a little bit more freedom to be me.

2015 I make a big decision to medically transition starting on HRT but started by self prescribing for six months with a mixture of herbal from a specialist trans outlet before self medicating with prescription drugs, but realised this was not sensible and sort medical help privately while waiting for GIC appointment after seeing my GP.

2019 Gender confirmation surgery is complete 🌈💜♥️💚💙💛🧡 After all the trials and tribulations including divorce and and been disowned by my mum after my dad died before mum died a year later, I’m living my best life, as a post op trans woman, supporting my trans son and good friends with my ex wife, and have a new mum in the way of a surrogate mum and brother.

I’m proud of been trans because we trans have a unique experience having lived two lives in one. Trans people have to be strong which i represent, and I think we trans can maybe show none trans people that can break the mold and vice versa, as there is no need to stereotype and fit the stereotype mold.

The glory is there for the taking, we just have to be brave to taste the victory and hopefully I’m proof of that 💜”

Vicky, SAYiT Volunteer 2021

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